So let me preface this post with- everything I tell you about my struggle may not be what everyone struggles with and this is meant to help those of you who are looking for some support and affirmation. And before you start reading this post, there was never a minute that I did not love my baby boy.
Lets rewind back to when I was pregnant with Cash. I was a first time mom that had a false idealization of what motherhood was going to be BIG TIME. I use to tell my husband that I couldn’t wait for maternity leave so I can just sit on the couch with our sweet little baby and relax for 12 weeks. I didn’t think about the crying, sleepless nights, midnight feedings, unknown illnesses, gas pains, blowouts, and the list goes on forever. I just thought I was gonna kill motherhood, relax and play with my baby.
Then it happened- I had Cash at 11:51 p.m. after 26 hours of labor and no sleep or food and I was TIRED. But the love I had for him the second he came into the world was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The next day I felt so excited as everyone came to the hospital to visit my new little family of 3. By the third day in the hospital, thats when that awful PPD&A hit. HARD. I couldn’t eat, felt like I had weights on my chest, and I just felt lost as I lay there holding the best thing that has ever happened to me.
We finally went home the next day and yes, I cried the second we walked into our home. I made sure everything was perfectly clean and set up for when we came home with our new baby and quickly realized that I didn’t care about any of that once he was there. Nothing felt the same anymore. My mother and sister struggled horrible with this as well so my sister was there right when we got home because she knew I might struggle too. My mom and sister were my rocks during this time. The truth is, PPD&A isn’t talked about enough! Not everyone struggles with it so not everyone knows what this feels likes or how to be supportive of it and that’s OK, because I wouldn’t have understood it until experiencing it either.
So the days went on, and I had such strong hopes that it would go away and that I was just having a common case of the “baby blues.” Week 4 came and went and I felt worse. 5,6,7 went and then by month 2 I was a total mess. I had let it go too far. I remember one of my darkest days. I woke up crying with a fussy baby in the middle of the night and never stopped for a second until 2pm. My sister left work early and came over to let me shower and all the sudden Cash was calm. It’s almost like he could sense how tense I was. My sister made me take him the store with her to get out of the house.
I knew something was wrong when I was seeking out any mom I could find wherever I went to see if they were ok. I felt like I was never going to be normal again. I started shutting my friends out because I just wanted to be alone. When friends would come over, I would start crying. Honestly, I didn’t know what my new role in life was. Of course I knew I was a mom, but when you feel anxiety so extreme like I did, you question if you were ever supposed to be. Looking at Cash made me cry all the time because I felt like I was failing him. My husband didn’t really understand how I was feeling or how to respond to me when I would have “episodes” because I was a totally different person. I’m sure he was just as nervous that I was never going to be same.
I was scared. I felt alone in the world and like everyone else had it together except for me. I would be having a really good day and then all the sudden a major panic attack would hit and I would start crying. I called my mom 1 million times during my journey with PPD&A and she would talk me down everytime and reassure me that I will get the hang of all this and that life would start to feel normal again.
I started seeking out help. And I landed at my OBGYN to talk. I was in the room with her for over an hour and half and after spilling my heart to her about what I was feeling, she suggested medicine. YUP, that dreaded word that I did not want to resort to because it made me feel weak once again. But you know what, WHO CARES! I wanted to be the best mom I could be and I couldn’t kick this monster inside of me by myself. So I finally agreed to them. And two weeks into taking them, I started to feel better. I started to feel like me again. I was eating, and coping. Coping with all the sleepless nights, all the hard days of Cash being uncomfortable and crying and all my anxiety. (No the medication does not make you feel loopy, overtime it just makes you feel like YOU). I was finally able to MOM and I was finally starting to love my new role in life.
So moral of the story, if you’re someone out there who struggles with PPD or PPA, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Even if you just need someone to talk to. This disease is real, and there is not enough support out there for it. I promise your not crazy, or a bad mama for having bad thoughts about motherhood. And I promise- IT GETS BETTER! Being a mom is the hardest job in the world but it really is the best (and yes I know how annoying that comment is when your struggling still). But even if your not feeling that way now, you’ll look back and understand what it means. It took me 4 months to start loving it. It doesn’t matter how much you love your child during this time. If your struggling with this monster, it takes over everything. So relax mama, you got this! You’re not the only one out there having a hard time. I used to search blog posts to read during that time as reassurance that I wasn’t the only one struggling. Each post gave me a little relief everyday so I hope thats what I’m doing for those of you dealing with this right now. The hard part ends so soon and then the fun starts and time goes by so quickly. So enjoy as much as you can now. You’ll find your role!
XO XO